today is my birthday.

last night, when i came to pick up my pay check, my boss had left me a box of four of my favorite cupcakes in the world. they're huge, from new york, three dollars each.

when he got home from his band practice last night, john cut one of the cupcakes in half, held his lit lighter above my half and sang "happy bithday" to me. i blew out his lighter and laughed like a fool while i cried. because i was so happy.

i woke up this morning to a very sweet message from gina. my mom called me and sang happy birthday. this is the first year i haven't been home for my birthday. when i lived with my parents, i used to wake up on my birthday with my presents beside my bed and my dad belting out "happy birthday" while my mom and brother waited for him to stop making an ass out of himself. it was wonderful.

i got to work and began reading the handful of journals i read daily. maryanne had a crazy night, oso is fretting over the bears, galaxy is having much success at her new job, dooce realised she updated while drunk. i like online journals.

sometimes, though, you realise that you shouldn't be reading a certain journal. i read a journal belonging to a friend of mine. i love this journal and this girl (we'll call her journalgirl to protect her identity) so much. i don't even know if she reads mine, but i gave her the link. i left her a comment a day or two ago saying that i wanted to keep in touch even though i was moving out of jeff's apartment. i got no response, but i figure no news is good news, yes?

well, anyway. her latest entry was talking about celebrating mary's birthday, which was on the 16th of this month. they had a fancy dinner and cake for her at jeff's. and they played yahtzee (which, incidentally, i believe is mine). i'm happy that mary enjoyed her birthday with friends, but... i mean. i don't know. i thought i was her friend, too. and i knew her birthday was coming up, i even messaged her on myspace to wish her a happy birthday. why would they not invite me to celebrate with her, especially if my birthday is three days after her birthday?

i had a suspicion that jeff didn't like me anymore, but i thought i was just being my normal paranoid self. after this, though, i guess i've figured it all out.

and even if jeff doesn't want me around, i thought mary still enjoyed my company. at least, she acted like she was my friend.

i wonder if any of them will remember that today is my birthday.

jeff and i used to have so much fun together. when things started to get serious with john, though, he started becoming cold towards me. but when i told him that i was moving out, that was it. he completely turned himself off. he couldn't get me out of that apartment fast enough. i had told him that i was moving out one night, the next afternoon, mary called me and asked me when i was moving out so she knew when she could move in. he didn't even seem sad that i was leaving. seemed like he wanted me out as fast as possible so he could get mary in. i don't even know what i did to make him become so cold and closed off. it's like a wall went up, and it's never coming down again. i don't know.

it's just so upsetting because i used to see these people as my allies in a world where we were the fighting minority. the outsiders pressing on despite hardship after hardship. and now that it seems like they've lost interest, i sort of feel lost. i moved in with my boyfriend, and now i can't be one of them anymore.

you know, i'm a very intelligent, independent, caring individual. lately, though, jeff makes me feel like john and i (john especially) are too common for him. if he thinks for one second that he's better than us... well, i don't want to finish that statement. we are just as deserving and worldy as he is, even if we can't fluently speak another language, have never been to europe, don't eat organic food, aren't as book smart as he is. he's really hurt me over the past couple of weeks.

he told mary that he was happy that she would be moving in with him because then they could drink coffee and watch foreign films and hang out with journalgirl and her boyfriend and go to cafes... i would have done all of that with him. i did do all of that with him. why is she better at it? why is her company preferred over my own? i don't understand.

confused.

he'd probably snidely laugh at this if he read it. probably look down on me for it. avoid addressing the topic the next time i saw him. i feel like he's constantly judging me and turning his nose up to me and everything i hold dear to my heart.

i still want to remain friends with jeff, i just can't allow myself to be so close to him anymore. and i still love journalgirl, i harbor no ill-will towards her. she has nothing to do with this mess, she was just a conduit through which i found out that my friends were people that i now need to keep my guard up around. as i told her in her journal, i want to stay in contact with her. i enjoy her company so much.

my dad just took me to lunch for my birthday and bought me a small present. i wanted to tell him that i was sad, that i was losing my friends again, that i wasn't good enough for their company. i didn't. it would have just upset him.

i know i'm going to get a deluge of comments saying that i am good enough. i know i am. the thing is, though - it's one thing to know you're good enough, but it's a another to feel like you're good enough. i know i'm intelligent, i know i have many things to offer people, i know that i'm good company. i just feel like if i had known more about politics, french culture, religion that maybe jeff would have been sad to see me go. maybe they would have invited me over for mary's birthday. maybe they would have had a small dinner for my birthday. or at least called. remembered.

well, i'm 22 today. and i shouldn't be letting this stuff bother me anymore. my problem is that i expect too much from people. i expect to be treated the way i treat other people. obviously, this has set me up for disappointment on more occassions than i can name. i am an idealist at heart. i have always, somewhere inside, believed in the goodness of people. i always gave people second chances, third chances, the benefit of the doubt. i want to believe that people are not inherently evil, that they have good intentions at the root of it all. i see now that this is why i can't hold on to friends, why i'm perpetually hurt by people i believed to be my friends. i don't want to be a hateful person. i believe that harboring hate eats away at something good inside, something i don't want to die. therefore, i don't hate these people. i don't hate anyone.

i'm going to try this year to not be so expectant of the people around me. i will be more careful about who i surround myself with. i have an incredible family that would do anything for me. i live with the love of my life who brings me so much joy and comfort as we both struggle to get by. i have the most amazing circle of friends, and i will name them so that they know they are loved. meghan, gina, jackie, maryanne, rachel pollock, keith (my brother), wyatt - they have all been my saving grace. and i think that's all i need to say.

so, today i'm 22. i feel like i'm starting over. that's ok.

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